This post has been on my mind for awhile. In fact, it's probably been in the back of mind since I first started this blog. It's a question I get asked often, sometimes by people that are curious of my story, sometimes by people that don't understand. How do I do it? Well, here are the answers. Here is what happens when you're happily ever after comes with an unhappily ever before.
First - the ex-wife. Yes, he has an ex-wife. No, it doesn't worry me. I have absolutely no fear that what happened to end the first marriage will end ours. Does it bother me that he has an ex? Well, yes and no. Of course I wish I was the only wife. Of course I wish I didn't have to explain to my children down the road that Daddy was married to someone else. But don't we all come with a past. Don't we all come with previous "loves." What does get me is when she tries to get in our business now. Yeah, that pisses me off, not gonna lie or try to sugar coat it. Do I want to get in my car and drive across town and be like "You divorced him! What WE do isn't YOUR concern." Um yeah, I want to do that sometimes but it wouldn't solve anything and when it comes down to OUR marriage - she plays little to no role. Where she does come into our marriage is when it comes to their daughter, my stepdaughter. Which brings me to point number two.
Next - Miss M. When I first started dating the Big A at the ripe old age of 22 not many of my friends thought much about him having an ex. Curious maybe to the extent of how the marriage dissolved - did he cheat on her? did she cheat on him? was their good friend (me) a house wrecker? But when I told my friends that he had a kid and that she was 7 - that took people aback. I often times got hit with "do you know what you are getting yourself into?" "you will have to deal with his ex till she is 18." and more "do you REALLY know what you are getting yourself intos?" I thought I did know what I was getting myself into. I grew up with step-parents. One whom I consider my parent and am very close to and one whom I barely have much to do with. So, yes I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. But, every situation is different. Again, I'm not going to lie and sugar coat it here either. I thought it was going to be super easy. When you come into the relationship when the child is 7 versus age 2 (like I was) the kids have had a chance to grow and become them. They are used to their parents the way they remember or want them to be. They come with resentment not towards me but towards the fact that their mom and dad aren't together anymore. It is hard. And when you are only 15 years older than your now teenage step-daughter, well, sometimes it downright sucks. But being the step-parent comes with good things too. Being a step-parent means that I got to see Big A as a parent first. I got to see him be a Dad. I mean, that had a big part to do with how quickly I fell for him. When you know you eventually want to get married and have kids, it makes falling for a man a lot easier when you see he is a good dad. Being a step-mom to a teenager when I have small children also helps to let me know what I want to do, what I don't want to do, and, it's built in birth control for her:) I do get mad sometimes that I don't really fit the parent role to her. At the same time, I like Victoria' Secret Pink stuff, I like facebook, I can tell her how to text boys back and not sound like a mom when doing it. I can be completely honest. I can tell her how annoying her music is but I know I will never turn her into an Adele fan. I can also tell her to not EVER wear something that short EVER again and even though she heard it a thousand times from her mom it sinks in a little more when I say it because well, I'm kinda cool. And if the kinda cool moments come in between the "you're not my mom" moments I'll take it.
So there it is. A little truth. Is it easy? Not always. Is it worth it? Yes. Marriage is a lot of work but that is what makes it stronger. Being a step-mom is a lot of work too, and I hope that it makes me and her better. I never thought I would be a step-mom or deal with an ex-wife. No little girl daydreams about her Prince Charming having a past. But sometimes, sometimes a Happily Ever After comes with an Unhappily Ever Before.
