What I'm Feeling Right Now

A few quotes about my life right now:

on turning 30:
my inner battle of my body image:


my husband:my Little Lady:
my Bug:my step-daughter and how to teach this - that you can be cute and trendy and still be classy - :


my parents:
a few general truths:

I turn 30 in 2 weeks and 1 day. It sounds like such a grown up age. I always imagined what my life would be like at 30 and I wasn't too far off. A few things aren't exactly as planned but I'm finding myself being more sentimental, more thoughtful, more soaking up the moment. I'm also starting to see a new me emerge at the same time, a me that for the first time in my life is having issues with the way I look. Not to sound vain, but I was always in shape, always had a hair style, always looked pretty good. Now, I found that for the past couple years I've settled with being over-weight, the "mom" pony tail, and yoga pants and t-shirts. That is soon to change, I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, and not just for me. How good of a mom can I be if I'm not satisfied with the complete me? I'm also finding myself not taking shit from people. Whether it be someone close that may not even realize that they have upset me or the rude guy that mean mugs me for nursing even when I have my hooter hider on to the snooty moms at the park. I don't back down as easily and I'm finding I like that part of the new me too. I'm not scared to turn 30 and I'm no where close to having a crisis about it. What I am, is excited for whats to come and what the next 30 have carved out for me...I spent the first 30 growing up myself, now I get to spend the next 30 raising these beautiful girls and maybe the 30 after that relaxing....

Dr.Mom In The House

They say a mothers work is never done. Whoever coined that thought left out a few words. It's more like a mothers work is never dull nor done. And when becoming a mother you know there are going to be plenty of times where your role is Dr. Mom. I've got a running tally of the things Dr. Mom can do.

• catch puke with your hands-no problem
• clean poop off just about anything-just getting warmed up
• projectile spit up - fogetaboutit

But today, today, I had the pleasure of performing my very first Nasal Toast-ectomy. You say you don't know what a Nasal Toast-ectomy is...I'll tell you.
A Nasal Toast-ectomy:
Diganosis- you ask your two year old to eat her sandwich, that has been toasted, and she instead shoves toast up her nose, inhales, then says "hey mom, there is something in my nose." I didn't witness this portion as I was in the office but I'm assuming that's just about how it went down.
Procedure- Lay said two year old on her bed while her dad holds her arms and legs and using the nasal aspirator to suck it down all the while threatening her that if she doesn't lay still she will have to go to the hospital.
Yep, that was my day. Another check-mark in the book of Dr. Mom. One I never thought that I would get but can now wear the badge of Professional Nose Toast Remover with pride.

Unhappily Ever Before

This post has been on my mind for awhile. In fact, it's probably been in the back of mind since I first started this blog. It's a question I get asked often, sometimes by people that are curious of my story, sometimes by people that don't understand. How do I do it? Well, here are the answers. Here is what happens when you're happily ever after comes with an unhappily ever before.

First - the ex-wife. Yes, he has an ex-wife. No, it doesn't worry me. I have absolutely no fear that what happened to end the first marriage will end ours. Does it bother me that he has an ex? Well, yes and no. Of course I wish I was the only wife. Of course I wish I didn't have to explain to my children down the road that Daddy was married to someone else. But don't we all come with a past. Don't we all come with previous "loves." What does get me is when she tries to get in our business now. Yeah, that pisses me off, not gonna lie or try to sugar coat it. Do I want to get in my car and drive across town and be like "You divorced him! What WE do isn't YOUR concern." Um yeah, I want to do that sometimes but it wouldn't solve anything and when it comes down to OUR marriage - she plays little to no role. Where she does come into our marriage is when it comes to their daughter, my stepdaughter. Which brings me to point number two.

Next - Miss M. When I first started dating the Big A at the ripe old age of 22 not many of my friends thought much about him having an ex. Curious maybe to the extent of how the marriage dissolved - did he cheat on her? did she cheat on him? was their good friend (me) a house wrecker? But when I told my friends that he had a kid and that she was 7 - that took people aback. I often times got hit with "do you know what you are getting yourself into?" "you will have to deal with his ex till she is 18." and more "do you REALLY know what you are getting yourself intos?" I thought I did know what I was getting myself into. I grew up with step-parents. One whom I consider my parent and am very close to and one whom I barely have much to do with. So, yes I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. But, every situation is different. Again, I'm not going to lie and sugar coat it here either. I thought it was going to be super easy. When you come into the relationship when the child is 7 versus age 2 (like I was) the kids have had a chance to grow and become them. They are used to their parents the way they remember or want them to be. They come with resentment not towards me but towards the fact that their mom and dad aren't together anymore. It is hard. And when you are only 15 years older than your now teenage step-daughter, well, sometimes it downright sucks. But being the step-parent comes with good things too. Being a step-parent means that I got to see Big A as a parent first. I got to see him be a Dad. I mean, that had a big part to do with how quickly I fell for him. When you know you eventually want to get married and have kids, it makes falling for a man a lot easier when you see he is a good dad. Being a step-mom to a teenager when I have small children also helps to let me know what I want to do, what I don't want to do, and, it's built in birth control for her:) I do get mad sometimes that I don't really fit the parent role to her. At the same time, I like Victoria' Secret Pink stuff, I like facebook, I can tell her how to text boys back and not sound like a mom when doing it. I can be completely honest. I can tell her how annoying her music is but I know I will never turn her into an Adele fan. I can also tell her to not EVER wear something that short EVER again and even though she heard it a thousand times from her mom it sinks in a little more when I say it because well, I'm kinda cool. And if the kinda cool moments come in between the "you're not my mom" moments I'll take it.

So there it is. A little truth. Is it easy? Not always. Is it worth it? Yes. Marriage is a lot of work but that is what makes it stronger. Being a step-mom is a lot of work too, and I hope that it makes me and her better. I never thought I would be a step-mom or deal with an ex-wife. No little girl daydreams about her Prince Charming having a past. But sometimes, sometimes a Happily Ever After comes with an Unhappily Ever Before.

This Day

When I read this blog post the other day I had mixed feelings about how I felt about it. I mean I should seize every moment with my children. I will be back to corporate America when Bug is in pre-school. I only have so much time to be a stay at home mom. I only have so much time to have them little. I should seize every moment I can. But then there are days like today where I get it, I get her. We can't seize every moment. Sometimes nap time can't come quick enough. Sometimes you do want to slap the idiots at Wal-Mart. I get it.

Wednesdays. They are always a welcome respite. Wednesdays are play group. A time to get together with my fellow sorority friends that are also sahms and talk about the trials and tribs of being a parent along with reminiscing about our college selves. We alternate hosting and today was my day to host but with us being gone unexpectedly to Nebraska and my house being a mess and Big A having a full morning of conference calls I had to host outside the house. We decided to meet up at a local "super dead" mall and let the kids have the run of the indoor play area. That was great. Then we moved onto Target for a snack bar lunch and we were going to do a little looking around. Well, Bug pooped her outfit and I was out of wipes. Thanks to Miss Priss's mom I was able to change the diaper but not the clothes so we had to go home and change. This made Little Lady mad so she was having a post-play group breakdown in the parking lot. Got home got changed no problem. A little boob for Bug and we were back out the door. Wal-mart shopping was a breeze till Bug decided that she could absolutely not stand another minute in her car seat and of course I was in line behind a guy with a million things so we weren't going anywhere too quickly. Dig through diaper bag, find wallet, pay - all with one arm- no big deal. Can't find the keys. Of course, bottom of the diaper bag, where else would they be. Then, totally remembered I had no wipes, zero, so I couldn't just come back later. I had to leave the cart with the greeter, get Little Lady out of her seat in the cart and run and get wipes. Got them, got through the line, again, no big deal. Little Lady back in her seat in the cart, Bug on my hip - I got this. Empty parking spot next to my jeep - perfect. I could open doors, strategically park the cart to unload it, load kids, take my time. HA! A PT Loser, I mean a PT Cruiser, drove through the open spot almost clipping my cart that still had Little Lady sitting in it, a Toyota Highlander pulled up and put his blinker on and just sat there. I was livid I could count at least 6 other open spots not to mention one right one the other side of MY open spot! So he sat there as I loaded my car, got an arching little baby strapped in her seat, and I finally moved to get Little Lady in the other side. If you are going to be stupid enough to sit there with a bunch of other spots open then I'm not going to move any faster. I got in my car, shut the door, leaned my head against the seat and thought I can't wait for nap time. And, I got it. Somedays, I can't seize. Somedays, I need nap time.

Memories of my Childhood

With all the talk of the making of memories I thought that I would think back on my fond childhood memories of the holidays and sit back and relish in their goodness:

- digging through all the ornaments to find the one that I made in kindergarten, red with silver glitter spelling my name...I still look for this ornament on my Moms tree every year and it is still my favorite.

- the hands down most awesome Christmas cd ever made, I think my Mom bought it from Avon. It had the perfect mix of Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole but had the BEST version of Feliz Navidad EVER.

- decorating the tree while the above cd played.

- setting up my the nativity. My Mom had an awesome nativity scene. I'm not sure where she got it but for me there was none better. I always remember thinking that I wish we had one of the Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus scenes in our front yard made of the thick plastic, then I would get ours out and set it up in the front bay window and I would forget all about that outside version.

- making fudge. Do I even need to say more? I loved being in the kitchen with my Mom. I loved the finished product. I LOVED eating the finished product.

- I had my own little 4 foot tree. I thought this thing was gorgeous but in reality I'm sure it looked more like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree than the Homes and Garden version I thought it was. I had all these cute little Mickey Mouse and Looney Tunes ornaments for it. And a tin foil star with blinking lights. That same tin foil star is at the top of my grown up tree in my grown up house this year.

- my Dad hated the Christmas tree stand. Like a deep down hate. I think we got all the new fangled versions every year that promised to make it easier to get those fresh cut trees to stand straight but they never worked and my Dads hate of the Christmas tree stand continued. It's no wonder they opted for fake once I moved out. And it's also no wonder my husband let a sigh of relief when I succumbed to the fake tree at our house too. What is it with men and a Christmas tree stand?

_ singing a Christmas solo in the daycare production of the Christmas story. My mom was so proud she cried. I'll always remember that.

And others that are too many to list. These are just a few of my favorite and I know my girls will have a few of their favorites too...From the good of finding their most favorite ornament to the funny of Momma always having to clean up a broken one;)

Redemption

Sweet sweet redemption. As soon as I complain about the making of memories something wonderful happened. I got the nativity's out. We have a childrens nativity set that I placed on the coffee table and we went over all the pieces, who they are, and what they meant. She has more fun putting all the animals into a corral made out of her sisters headband but the message is there and she knows that it's the Baby Jesus. We also got out the "good" nativity set. It's a Willow Tree set and I love it! I again went over all the people this time but since we had just done the childrens set I let her say the names and tell me what I had just gone over with her. It was very sweet and very much a memory. I don't think it is by chance that the tides changed when we brought Baby Jesus out. After all, he is the reason for the season. I think next year I will be getting the nativity out before the tree. And, I'm sure that the holiday season will be off with a better kick knowing that we have the focus in the right place.

Memories vs. Hectic

I feel that it's my job to give my girls the best memories possible. To give them yearly traditions they can count on. Sometimes, I feel like I'm a huge failure at it. Take for instance decorating the Christmas tree. We brought the tree out over the past weekend but we waited till M was here to decorate it. We brought out the decorations last night. It didn't go as I saw it in my head. I know Lady had a blast finding the perfect spot for Dora and Buzz and Bug is too small to do much but enjoy the twinkling lights. But with a husband with jet lag from his recent business trip and teenager lounged out on the couch more interested in texting than decorating, am I giving my kids the memories they deserve? I think so and I hope so. I hope that Little Lady will remember we were all together, that she got to hang the ornaments up (which is why most are at her level on the bottom of the tree), that it was fun despite Momma getting upset when an angel broke (I hope she forgets that:)). And yes I know most families aren't drinking hot chocolate, and taking turns hanging ornaments while candles are glowing and Christmas music quietly playing in the background...is the memory just as lovely if Dad is holding the baby, the teenagers playing on her iphone, and the Momma is trying to clean up broken ornaments with SpongeBob playing in the background? That's good too, right? Because hopefully my girls will remember that we were together and that it was fun, hectic but fun. And I hope most of all they value the memory and think back on it with big smiles on their faces.