You don't know how to really live until you almost die.

You don't know how to really live until you almost die. That is a quote I heard on TV last night and it hit me. That is how I felt the night my daughter was born, and I realized it's time. Time I sit down and look back on the happiest yet scariest day of my life and write her birth story. It's something I have needed to do for a long time but because of how it all went I'm not sure I was ready and I knew I didn't have all the details. I went into that day with such expectation of how it was going to turn out. They were going to induce me and a few hours later I would have the sweet baby girl that had been kicking my ribs for the past months. They would lift her up and say how beautiful she was and how I had performed like a champ since it was my wish to not have any drugs. They would place her on me all ooey gooey and I would cry and say "Happy Birthday Baby, I'm your Mommy and I love you." But one of the many things that day taught me is that expectations of what you want and what reality gives can be a very different harsh reality. This is the birth story of my sweet little lady.
I went into the hospital at 8pm on June 8th to begin my induction. The nurses wanted me to eat since I would not be able to eat once they started the drugs. So Big A got me a multitude of snacks and I went to town. They checked me at 10pm, no dilation, and they placed the Cervadil at that time. Not much to do at this point other than sit and wait. I watched Twilight than tried to sleep. Big A was successful at this, me not so much. I was anxious and the bed was far from comfortable. The next morning they removed the Cervadil and told me to take a shower and try to relax. Hard to do. I got all showered and clean while Big A went home and took care of the pets. He was kind enough to have his Starbucks drank before he came back since that was off limits for me but I could still smell it on him. They checked me and we found out the Cervadil did NOTHING. I was not dilated and I showed no change from the night before. They started the Pitocin at 730am and the rain began. It rained all day, HARD. And it stormed, HARD. I should have know that this was a sign of what was to come, but since I didn't think of my life as some cheesy movie with the big flashing lights of what is going to happen to the main character are there for everyone to see but the main character, I paid no mind to the rain. In fact, I distinctly remember the sound of it being highly soothing. My parents arrived around 10am and I had started having contraction but nothing that I couldn't handle. I was, though, EXTREMELY HOT! I had the air turned down to the 50's and I was still sweating. Everyone had sweatshirts on and blankets around them but I was still dripping in sweat. And since I was the one in labor the nurse made it clear that everyone else could just be cold:) My doctor came in and tried to break my water but I still had NO dilation. At 2pm they checked me again and I had made no progress. they decided to give me an hour without the Pitocin and that they would then start it back up and increase it at a faster rate. This began at 3pm. I had contractions consistently once this new Pitocin was started. And they were hard and real contractions. I was sure that I was making progress. My doctor and nurse came in at 6pm to check me again and to my dismay we found that I was still not dilated. At this time, my doctor brought up the c-section. In my heart, from the time I had gotten pregnant I knew. I knew that a natural birth wasn't in the cards for me, but I wanted it and I wanted it so so badly. But after 22 hours of being in the hospital and 20 hours of having some sort of induction drug in me and no food and no progress I knew that a c-section was the route we were heading. They told me the c-section would being at 745 pm and that the next hour or so would be prep for the c-section. At 7pm I said good-bye to my parents and headed back to the c-section room. After a few tries they got the spinal in me and got me all ready. Big A was then brought back and everything began. And everything went bad. These are the last few moments I remember. I remember looking at my husband and saying that I itched. I remember the fear in his eyes. I remember trying to say I can't breathe. And I remember it going black.
The following section, is what my husband and my mother told me happened in the mean time. I crashed completely. Anaphylactic shock. Respiratory arrest. A blood pressure that had I not been in the hospital, I would have died. My husband was kicked out of the surgical room. They got my daughter out. They brought Big A back in to be with her and she was whisked off to the NICU with her Daddy by her side. I was not doing well. That was all Big A was told. He said that as he was walking off to the NICU and they were feverishly working on me and his only thought at that time was "please don't let her die". My little lady checked out perfect. Whatever had caused the reaction in me, did not affect her. She was a healthy 6 pounds 11.5 ounces, 18.75 inches, and welcomed into the world at 823 pm. They brought my parents back into the NICU and then the doctor came in and informed them of my status. I was stable but not in the clear. My blood pressure was extremely low and then they were warned of what I looked like. They brought me into the recovery room and they were allowed to see me even though I was still unconscious. My mom told me through tears the next day that had she not known it was me she would not have recognized me. I was swollen, BAD. I started to come to and this is where I start to remember things but its very unclear.
I remember panicking. I remember screaming "Where is my baby, what happened to my baby?" They tried to calm me and tell me what happened but then I would pass out again and the whole scenario would play out again when I came to. To make matters worse my eyes were swollen shut so everything was black. Eventually, I had little openings in my eyes and they brought her for me to see and I remember saying that I could see 5 of her and they took her right back to the NICU. Eventually the effects of the reaction started to wear off. My parents left for the night. The doctors didn't. I had a doctor sleep in my room with me till about 2am to make sure I had no further adverse reactions. I remember him saying that I was out of the clear for the time being because my blood pressure had risen to 90 over 60. Then they brought her to me. It was 1153pm and I finally got to hold my daughter. I got to nurse her. I got to have those moments with her. And it was beautiful.
The rest of the hospital stay went off with a hitch. I got checked on A LOT but that was OK because the nurses were absolutely amazing people. We checked out 4 days later and I rarely look back at what I missed out on. Yes, I didn't see the moment she came into the world and that will always hurt. But I am here. I get to live. I get to be her mommy and when I do look back and realize how close I was to not living this life with her, I stop looking back and only look forward.

Throwback Thursday

My good friend, Miss Priss's mom, had a fantastic idea yesterday and now I HAVE to steal it. Yesterday she did a "way back Wednesday" in prep for her daughters third birthday. And since our girls are born exactly 1 year and 363 days apart, I just couldn't resist myself. So in honor of birthday prep and big girl steps and everything wonderful about Little Lady turning ONE, here is a pic from one year ago when I was anxiously awaiting the little love of my life's arrival into the world!

A totally terrific thirteenth birthday party!

Sissy turns 13 this June. And like all soon to be a teenager, she wanted a blow out of a birthday party. She wanted to have it now since many kids will be off on vacation, camp, etc. during the summer. Her Mom hosted it at their club and may I say this party was AWESOME. She wanted neon colors and that is exactly what she got. From the cake, to the decorations, and even her fingernails and toes, we are talking neon colors! Her party turned out great and she and all her friends had a fantastic time dancing the night away pool side. They especially enjoyed Big A's fireworks show that he put on after sunset...party wonderfulness below:

starting with the awesome cake!

and the birthday girl with her cake (p.s. she looks like she is 20 here, eek!)with all of her friends! the music man and the ladies (and a few boys) dancing it up poolside!

Happy 13th birthday Sissy! I cannot believe how quickly you are growing up!

Things I believe in!

1. Co-sleeping - I love it. Little Lady has been in our room since day 1. At first in her pack-n-play, than solely in our bed, now she starts in her crib and moves to our bed when she wakes up for some night time booby. I wouldn't have it any other way and she will learn to stay in her bed when she is good and ready for it and no, I won't have an 18 year old in bed with me.

2. Breastfeeding - I realize not everyone chooses to do it. I did and it has been something that I am very proud of and I feel something that I have become very knowledgeable in. I am going back to school to become a nurse and many people have told me that I should become a lactation consultant. So who knows, maybe this passion of mine will pan into a career to help others be as successful as I have been. And, yes, Little Lady will be a year old and I will begin the weaning process but I am giving myself a good 6 month time frame to get her completely weaned and no I don't have any issue with nursing my daughter at 18 months.

3. I don't leave my daughter with anyone other than my husband or my parents. Right now, it's just not an option for us. I will put off doing something if Little Lady cannot be watched by a parent or grandparent. I feel this is a time in her life when she not only wants us but she needs us. And on the same note, Big A and I made a decision to never have Sissy babysit. People always say that we have a built in babysitter with their age difference but that is never a responsibility we want Sissy to bear. Anything can happen in the blink of an eye, and Lord forbid something happen to her when she is in the care of her sister. Not a responsibility we feel a sibling should have to deal with.

4. No CIO at this house. We whole heatedly do not believe in crying it out as a method of sleep training. If it has worked for you, great, but it is something I am NOT interested in doing. I will nurse, rock, lay with her, etc. for as long as she needs. She will learn how to fall asleep on her own but I feel that I am teaching her in a way that shows her night is not a time to be afraid of and that she is not alone. Mom and Dad will be right there if she is scared and needs us. There are many studies that show that CIO in infants leads to failure to thrive and in toddlers leads to abandonment issues. The stories may be few and far between but nothing that I am willing to chance.

5. Extended Rear Facing Car Seats - Rear facing is better. If your toddler never turns around to forward facing they don't know what they are missing. I know State Troopers in my state encourage rear facing till 18 months and my pediatrician encourages rear facing till 2. It has been proven that rear facing till 2 and beyond is much safer and will in fact save lives if there is an accident. I know that we will be rear facing till 2, we will go longer who knows? Depends on her weight, height, etc. at 2.

OK, Little Lady is calling and I will get off my soap box. Have a lovely Thursday everyone!

A busy weekend and a new discovery!

This weekend was the definition of BUSY. Saturday, Sissy had a swim meet so we were up at 530 - packing up, getting dressed, and out the door. We had swim bags, diaper bags, and snack bags, ready to go the night before so we just had to load up in the morning. Little Lady stayed in her pj's till we arrived at the swim meet. So, it was a very smooth departure from the house. I really think I'm starting to get this mom thing down. Sissy did very well at her meet on Saturday and placed top 10 in all of her swims. We were home by 930 in the morning even. This new swim team really knows how to get things done. With the old swim team, we were at meets till well after noon. We got home, we took naps and then it was time for me to go to work.
Silly me, I thought work would be relaxing considering how busy my morning had been. Boy was I wrong. It was crazy busy. I guess the rain makes people want to shop.
Then, Sunday, Big A and Sissy were up and out the door for the swim meet again bright and early and Little Lady and I were out the door at the same time to my hometown to visit some relatives that came down for the weekend. We made our way home, we got ready for the day at my parents house, visited with relatives, then it was back down to our part of town and I was off to work again. Big A and I switched cars in my work parking lot and he was off for an afternoon with his girls and I was in for a long, yet another, busy day at work. Like I said, the rain brings everyone out! Sissy did excellent at her meet on Sunday - placing in the top 10 in all her swims again. Big A got more of the hardwoods laid in the upstairs hallway and the girls had fun playing in Little Lady's bedroom. Big A took Sissy to gymnastics where her mom picked her up. I got home from work in time for Little Lady's bath and bed time. Big A and I watched River Monsters, our Sunday alone time:) and the weekend was over!
So, like I said it was a crazy busy weekend. Most aren't like this. Usually I just work, or we just have a swim meet, etc. We rarely have all in one weekend, but it's good to know we can pull it together and still pull off a good productive weekend with everyone going in a different direction!
And for the big discovery - Little Lady loves yogurt but she HATES baby yogurt. I'm not sure if it's the consistency or what but she will make herself gag till she is on the verge of throwing up. I have tried the Gerber yogurts, the Danonino yogurts, and still she won't eat them. But, whenever I am eating my yogurt she loves it! So, Big A was running to the store to pick up a few groceries and I told him to pick up some vanilla yogurts for Little Lady and myself. He comes home with vanilla yogurt but he also came home with (drum roll please) GO-GURT! She LOVES it, and when I say LOVES it, I mean it. She downed a whole one in record time. So Big A gets the discovery of the week award because this girl has been eating a whole yogurt for breakfast every day!

The very long, I haven't blogged all week post.

Wow, what a week. It started out with a wonderful Mothers Day. Big A let me sleep in a little and I woke up to my first homemade Mothers Day present. Little Lady with some help, ok, a lot of help from Sissy, gave me a painted pot with handprints on it. How can you not love that? I also got a Shark Steam Mop. Which I love! I have now steam mopped my entire downstairs!

My beautiful flower pot from Little Lady and Sissy!The flowers my Mom and Dad gave me for my first Mothers Day!We then went to brunch at Pirtles Winery with all of my family. The food was excellent and we tasted a few different wines, just a few sips since Little Lady still loves her booby!And this girl turned 11 months old. I can hardly believe, how the time flies! I know I already touched on that but I'm still floored by how much of a big girl she is becoming. She is walking more and more every day. She can now say Mama, Dada, Sissy, Hot, Dog, and her favorites - TURTLE and DUCK! Ya, she is something special, just in case you didn't know, I'm completely in love with her!And last night I made a completely nutritious meal that I knew I just had to blog about.

Eggs Over Easy

Whole Wheat Toast

Strawberries and Bananas

Turkey Bacon

Cranberry-Grape Juice

I'm getting hungry all over again just looking at it. Yummy. And please note that poor Little Lady has to have baby food when we have eggs. I made her a very cute Mickey Mouse omelet last week and she broke out in hives immediately. I was confused at first because she has had food with eggs in it but I have since learned that there is a difference between straight egg and diluted egg! Also, check out Little Lady's drinking glass, yep that is a shot glass of milk and I recommend it to anyone with a little learning to drink out of a cup! It's the perfect size!

I think that is it. So the very long blog comes to an end. Have a good weekend everyone!

Happy Mothers Day!

Since I'm sure tomorrow will be filled with fun times with my little one and my mom I wanted to get this out today! Happy Mothers Day to my wonderful, beautiful, best friend of a mom! I love you so much!

And this is my FIRST Mothers Day! I'm so excited to spend the day with Little Lady and soak up with wonderfulness of being her mommy!

Time flies...

I can't believe how quickly time flies. A year ago I was 36 weeks pregnant and in 5 weeks my girl will turn 1. I cannot believe how quickly time flies. I get choked up just thinking about it. I've gone about planning her birthday, scheduling portrait dates, getting ready for that big day. I know when it's here I'll smile for her and be so in love with all the firsts she is getting to do. First birthday presents, first party, first big girl foods. But at times like this, when she is asleep and I'm alone and the house is quiet, it makes me cry. Not a sad cry but a bittersweet cry. The cry of I can't believe God chose this little girl for me and how she is perfect. The cry of I'm so glad she is happy and healthy and growing and developing but I miss that little baby that slept on my chest in her too big newborn clothes. And I'm not saying that I have the baby blues, I'm saying I can't believe how quickly this year has flown by, how quickly I learned to love someone so much it hurts, how quickly it stopped being about me and started being about her. She is my everything and it's times like this that I truly sit back look at her sleeping and realize how blessed I am. Time does fly and I will continue to live every day to the fullest with her because before I know it, I'll blink and she will be starting kindergarten, I'll blink and she will be 18 and I'll be moving her into her college dorm, I'll blink and I'll be hugging her before she walks down the aisle, I'll blink and she will be where I am today, a mother with a child she is so in love with there are no words, and then she'll know, she'll understand why I told her I loved her every minute of every day.