You don't know how to really live until you almost die.

You don't know how to really live until you almost die. That is a quote I heard on TV last night and it hit me. That is how I felt the night my daughter was born, and I realized it's time. Time I sit down and look back on the happiest yet scariest day of my life and write her birth story. It's something I have needed to do for a long time but because of how it all went I'm not sure I was ready and I knew I didn't have all the details. I went into that day with such expectation of how it was going to turn out. They were going to induce me and a few hours later I would have the sweet baby girl that had been kicking my ribs for the past months. They would lift her up and say how beautiful she was and how I had performed like a champ since it was my wish to not have any drugs. They would place her on me all ooey gooey and I would cry and say "Happy Birthday Baby, I'm your Mommy and I love you." But one of the many things that day taught me is that expectations of what you want and what reality gives can be a very different harsh reality. This is the birth story of my sweet little lady.
I went into the hospital at 8pm on June 8th to begin my induction. The nurses wanted me to eat since I would not be able to eat once they started the drugs. So Big A got me a multitude of snacks and I went to town. They checked me at 10pm, no dilation, and they placed the Cervadil at that time. Not much to do at this point other than sit and wait. I watched Twilight than tried to sleep. Big A was successful at this, me not so much. I was anxious and the bed was far from comfortable. The next morning they removed the Cervadil and told me to take a shower and try to relax. Hard to do. I got all showered and clean while Big A went home and took care of the pets. He was kind enough to have his Starbucks drank before he came back since that was off limits for me but I could still smell it on him. They checked me and we found out the Cervadil did NOTHING. I was not dilated and I showed no change from the night before. They started the Pitocin at 730am and the rain began. It rained all day, HARD. And it stormed, HARD. I should have know that this was a sign of what was to come, but since I didn't think of my life as some cheesy movie with the big flashing lights of what is going to happen to the main character are there for everyone to see but the main character, I paid no mind to the rain. In fact, I distinctly remember the sound of it being highly soothing. My parents arrived around 10am and I had started having contraction but nothing that I couldn't handle. I was, though, EXTREMELY HOT! I had the air turned down to the 50's and I was still sweating. Everyone had sweatshirts on and blankets around them but I was still dripping in sweat. And since I was the one in labor the nurse made it clear that everyone else could just be cold:) My doctor came in and tried to break my water but I still had NO dilation. At 2pm they checked me again and I had made no progress. they decided to give me an hour without the Pitocin and that they would then start it back up and increase it at a faster rate. This began at 3pm. I had contractions consistently once this new Pitocin was started. And they were hard and real contractions. I was sure that I was making progress. My doctor and nurse came in at 6pm to check me again and to my dismay we found that I was still not dilated. At this time, my doctor brought up the c-section. In my heart, from the time I had gotten pregnant I knew. I knew that a natural birth wasn't in the cards for me, but I wanted it and I wanted it so so badly. But after 22 hours of being in the hospital and 20 hours of having some sort of induction drug in me and no food and no progress I knew that a c-section was the route we were heading. They told me the c-section would being at 745 pm and that the next hour or so would be prep for the c-section. At 7pm I said good-bye to my parents and headed back to the c-section room. After a few tries they got the spinal in me and got me all ready. Big A was then brought back and everything began. And everything went bad. These are the last few moments I remember. I remember looking at my husband and saying that I itched. I remember the fear in his eyes. I remember trying to say I can't breathe. And I remember it going black.
The following section, is what my husband and my mother told me happened in the mean time. I crashed completely. Anaphylactic shock. Respiratory arrest. A blood pressure that had I not been in the hospital, I would have died. My husband was kicked out of the surgical room. They got my daughter out. They brought Big A back in to be with her and she was whisked off to the NICU with her Daddy by her side. I was not doing well. That was all Big A was told. He said that as he was walking off to the NICU and they were feverishly working on me and his only thought at that time was "please don't let her die". My little lady checked out perfect. Whatever had caused the reaction in me, did not affect her. She was a healthy 6 pounds 11.5 ounces, 18.75 inches, and welcomed into the world at 823 pm. They brought my parents back into the NICU and then the doctor came in and informed them of my status. I was stable but not in the clear. My blood pressure was extremely low and then they were warned of what I looked like. They brought me into the recovery room and they were allowed to see me even though I was still unconscious. My mom told me through tears the next day that had she not known it was me she would not have recognized me. I was swollen, BAD. I started to come to and this is where I start to remember things but its very unclear.
I remember panicking. I remember screaming "Where is my baby, what happened to my baby?" They tried to calm me and tell me what happened but then I would pass out again and the whole scenario would play out again when I came to. To make matters worse my eyes were swollen shut so everything was black. Eventually, I had little openings in my eyes and they brought her for me to see and I remember saying that I could see 5 of her and they took her right back to the NICU. Eventually the effects of the reaction started to wear off. My parents left for the night. The doctors didn't. I had a doctor sleep in my room with me till about 2am to make sure I had no further adverse reactions. I remember him saying that I was out of the clear for the time being because my blood pressure had risen to 90 over 60. Then they brought her to me. It was 1153pm and I finally got to hold my daughter. I got to nurse her. I got to have those moments with her. And it was beautiful.
The rest of the hospital stay went off with a hitch. I got checked on A LOT but that was OK because the nurses were absolutely amazing people. We checked out 4 days later and I rarely look back at what I missed out on. Yes, I didn't see the moment she came into the world and that will always hurt. But I am here. I get to live. I get to be her mommy and when I do look back and realize how close I was to not living this life with her, I stop looking back and only look forward.